Very Important Pot

Very Important Pot

Blog eleven – Very Important Pot


So, quite a while ago in one of my blogs, I spoke about the thought process my wife and I went through when deciding whether or not I should get a vasectomy (to snip or not to snip).

Well, I did, and all went well. During this last week I had to take my follow up sample in to the microbiology department at Bournemouth hospital to check it didn’t have any swimmers still gallantly flapping about in there. Now, the doctor that performed the operation requested that I have this follow up after 16 weeks. He also said I must have ejaculated 30 times and that I must not have unprotected sex in that time. Well, I only stuck to one of those rules, and I’m sure you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out which one I managed to uphold.

So, having been prompted by the ’16 weeks passed quite a while ago’ letter I received, I double checked with the hospital if there was a preferable time for them to receive my VIP (very important pot)? “Anytime between 8am and 4:30pm sir. It’s a delicate task to carry out so we don’t want to enforce a restrictive ‘window of opportunity’ on you”, came the excellent response!

Having giggled like a school girl when I said to my wife that I was “Off to ‘Do the deed’, so could she keep the kids out the way and in the garden for a while”, I then had to call for her help from the bathroom window. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I didn’t need her help with that! I needed her help to retrieve Isabelle from knocking on the bathroom door to ask me if I was alright because, according to her, I’d been in there a while!! At this point my wife’s giggling turned in to side-splitting laughter and consequently, I had to be in there longer still. Your wife laughing at you is, I find, a bit of an ejaculation suppressant!!!

Anyway, off I went to the hospital, which is about a 30-40 minute drive away, so I had no time to dawdle otherwise it wouldn’t be ‘Within the hour’ fresh! Bournemouth is, I should imagine, just like all other large hospitals, in as much as it’s impossible to park for free anywhere within the grounds. However, I knew from visiting my mum last year after she had a knee replacement, that there’s a special unit right around the back of the hospital that doesn’t have a barrier operated car park. Its still warden controlled, but at least you don’t have to sell a kidney just to park for 10 minutes, which was all I needed. After I found the only free space there, I was just about to walk off towards the main hospital when one such warden collared me:

Warden: “This car park is only for people visiting this particular unit and not for use by anyone using the main hospital”.

Me: “Hello. Yes, I’m aware of that, but I am only dropping something off. I will be no more than 5 minutes so I don’t want to use one of the barrier operated car parks because I’ll have to pay for 2 hours”.

Warden: “I’m sorry, but these spaces are strictly for those using this unit only”.

Me: “Because I am only dropping something off, and so that I don’t park somewhere other than a car park, that could restrict an ambulance or delivery vehicle, I thought it would be safer for me to just stop here for a couple of minutes. You may time me if you like? If I’m longer than 5 minutes then feel free to give me a ticket?”

Warden: “My job description doesn’t involve timing people to see if they’re telling the truth”.

Me, moving up close to him but not giving him the rude response that was on the tip of my tongue: “Sir, I fully understand you’re just doing your job, but allow me to show you something”…

…Yes folks, out of my ‘Man-bag’ I produced one small VIP that was sealed in a little bag with a piece of card stapled to it that clearly said, ‘Semen sample. Produced on: (that day’s date), at: (40 minutes ago).

After a brief pause,

Warden: “Right, well, erm, right. I understand you are, um, just paying a fleeting visit, so just this once you go ahead”.

Me: “Thanks for your understanding. I won’t be long, I promise”.

Warden: “Yes, good luck mate!”


As an aside, my boy has started walking since my last blog! We’re so proud. I also have no idea how he hasn’t fallen over more because he walks like he’s right on the verge of going splat on his face, but somehow stays upright. His legs go around like a wind up bath toy, rather than back and forth, which makes it all the more amusing. He looks just like a very drunk man making his way to an all-you-can-eat buffet!


Food tip of the week

Fresh peas are in season and absolutely delicious. Don’t cook them, just pop them open and eat them raw, straight from the pod. My daughter loves them too. It’s a great way to snack healthy. I even get, “Can I have some poppy peas if I eat all my tea” requests from Isabelle, she loves them so much. Eating seasonal veg is definitely the way forward, as it ensures you eat the veg when they’re tasting the best and normally when they’re at their cheapest, due mainly to the fact that they’ll have less ‘Food-miles’.


Fact of the week

The hottest British summer on record remains that of 1976 (average temperature of 17.8C); the coldest was in 1725 (average 13.1C). 2006 had a very warm September (average 16.8C) and the warmest spring recorded is the one that has just passed, which reached an average of 10.2C, the highest since 1893.