Blog Twelve – Why. why, why?
Lots of questions trouble my little brain about my life as a parent, and as a husband and cat owner. Here are just some. They may strike a chord with you? Any answers or advise on any of them is most welcome…
Why does my cat insist on getting on our bed at 4am and doing slow motion tap dancing on my bol**cks? We have a super-king size bed. Sometimes I go all night and never encounter my wife, even though she’s in there with me somewhere, so surely the cat can find ten square inches of bed to do this stupid ritual other than on my twig and giggle-berries!?
Why is my wife always right?… Apart from when she ate the shepherd’s pie I made her just 3 days after coming home from watching lambs being born at a local farm and stating she was never eating lamb again, “Because they’re soooo cute”.
Why, despite not really being very religious, do I pause for a moment after I’ve ‘Finished off’ a bird or rodent that my cat has only done half a job on, say a quiet little prayer along the lines of: “Dear God, who or whatever you are that watches what goes on here on earth. Please forgive me for killing that animal. I felt it was kinder than letting my cat continue to toy with it then leave it half dead. I hate doing it. I know it’s for the best, but I don’t like it. Erm, Amen”?
Why, oh why do my children feel they must never leave me to have a poo in peace? Why does my daughter feel that the same time I’m making an entry in to captain’s log is also the best time to stand in front of me in the bathroom and show me how she’s learnt to jump from one foot to the other? And I’d love to know what my son is hoping to discover when he peers down behind my arse when I’m trying to wipe it!?
Most of my pockets are filled with general crap that my children have either finished eating, expelled from their nose, or just generally got bored with. I do this to keep the house and streets tidy. However, why do I feel like getting in a street brawl with someone who I see dropping litter?
Why is it, that when I get up with the children, I become a silent ninja and I somehow encourage a one and a three year old to follow suit, yet when my wife gets up with them, she may as well hire AC/DC to do a concert sound check at the foot of my bed?
Why does my son always want the exact toy/stick/pebble/piece of fruit/leaf that my daughter has in her hand, and visa-versa?
Why, when I’ve finished writing my blog, do I have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn my laptop off?
Why can’t my mum grasp what I mean by ‘Right click’ when she pops over for her basic computing lesson?
Why is my wife incapable of sweeping up the crumbs she’s created? I swear that if I didn’t clean up after she’s had toast, eventually we wouldn’t be able to open the back door as we’d be neck deep in crumbs!
Why does my daughter ask me ‘Why’ more times in a day than I take breaths!?
If my wife says, “Shall we go up to bed early and ‘do stuff’“*, why, oh why do I let her have a bath and clean her teeth before me? After eighteen years together you’d think I’d have learnt by now that she’s asleep seven seconds after her head hits the pillow. Now, even when I’m flying through my bathroom routine as quick as I can because I’m on a promise, I have never managed to complete it and get upstairs in less than 4 minutes, meaning she’s been asleep for 233 seconds already!
*Yes, that’s the term we seem to have settled on. To be honest, I don’t care if she says, “Let’s go and put the Jiggly-plonkety-plonk in the squiffely-thingy-ma-bob”. If it means sex, I’m ready!
Why, why, why does a broken alloy wheel, a faulty gas boiler or discovering your child has grown out of every single bit of school uniform ALWAYS happen just ten minutes after you looked at your online banking and thought, ‘Hmmm, should just about scrape through to the end of the month without going overdrawn for a change!?!?’.
Food tip of the week
Here is a very easy, very healthy, very fancy looking meal that will wow your partner/dinner date and can be either vegetarian or not (serves 2):
- Ix bundle of spring onions
- 1x Avocado
- 2x red/yellow/orange peppers
- 1x Mozzarella ball
- 1x good handful of small tomatoes
- Optional: Strips of beef, pork or chicken, or, prawns or even white fish.
- Heat the oven to 200°C.
- Coat the pieces of pepper (see food tip here for how best to prepare them for roasting), tomatoes and spring onions in olive oil and chuck them all in to a roasting tray.
- Sprinkle on some salt, pepper & rosemary (thyme or mixed herbs would work too) and roast them for about 15 mins, or until they look done. If the tomatoes and onions aren’t very small, slice them in half, long ways first.
- Once done, tip the lot on to the two plates your serving them in, tear the mozzarella in to small pieces and add to the plates.
- Scoop the avocado in to teaspoon sized bits and add to the plates.
- If you’re having meat or fish add that now too.
Voila! Here’s one I made earlier (last week in fact), without any meat.